I am transsexual - MTF

I was in doubt for some time whether I am transsexual or not.

After watching myself on video, It became easier to see my feminine way of being when I only tried to be myself.

I remember fantasizing being a girl for some time when I was a boy, but after a while I stopped it because I perceived it as improper. I have tried to be like a male ever since.

I have been called female names several times during my life, kind of half as joke, but not only as a joke.

When I watch porn online, what gets me excited is when I imagine I'm the woman whether I'm watching "amateur straight" or lesbian porn.

I'm like a woman on the inside. More like a woman than a man at least.

I also have some feminine facial features; small chin, feminine lips.

I feel relieved. My whole life I have felt like I cant be myself.

I think it will be easier to be myself as a woman since thats the way I feel on the inside more than like a man.

I have tried for like 41 years to be a man. It didn't work. So time to give that up and start to live life as myself - a woman.

I have social anxiety that developed into Avoidance Personality Disorder.

I think my gender confusion have contributed to my social anxiety. I have been afraid that people would find out how I was on the inside.

I don't think I'm a gay man. Gay porn doesn't turn me on. I don't want to be gay. I don't get turned on when I go to the gay bar etc.

Effort more important than ability and intelligence?

I read an interesting article about effort vs ability and intelligence.

It said that effort was the most important criteria for success in school and life.

Its mostly about school work, but I started to think that the same could be true when it comes to solving ones psychological problems.

I have social anxiety.

The most correct description is probably Avoidance Personality Disorder.

So how do I solve my problems or how do I improve my life with these problems?

If effort is most important then maybe I should stop worrying about whether I'm smart, weak etc.

What I ought to do is focus on effort only. Try more or harder to do things that can improve my life and solve my problems.

Link to the article: The secret to raising smart kids (and to succeed in life)

How to find my self

One idea I got is to buy a video camera, film my self, talk to the camera, then watch the video.

Maybe watching myself on video trying to be my self makes it easier to figure out what I am.

Dont know what to do - Emigrate to Thailand?

I dont know what I am or what to do.

I don't know if Im straight, gay or trans gender.

I don't know how to solve my problems with Avoidance Personality Disorder.

I don't know how to find friends or a partner.

I don't know how to be happy living alone.

I don't know how to improve or find out what to do. Since I have nobody to talk to, how am I supposed to develop or find out what to do? It doest seem possible.

My best guess: emigrate to Thailand. There its easy to find a girl. It just doesnt work for me to continue living like I do. Life feels meaningless. I am lonely and depressed and cant find a solution to my problems, except suicide.

I have tried so many things, different therapists, pills, group therapy, reading self help books, writing a journal, blogging, creating web sites, discussing in forums etc.

Yeah, emigrating to Thailand seems to be the best thing to do. Its better than committing suicide. I don't see any other options right now, but I'm depressed, therefore difficult to think properly.

Avoidance Personality Disorder

Avoidance Personality Disorder.

Thats what I have it seems.

Depressed

I am depressed.

Maybe its a message from my brain that I need a brake to think things threw.

I am in doubt.

What if I´m not a transsexual after all?

I cant make friends or establish relationships with other humans.

I have social anxiety. Thats for sure.

But is that all?

Maybe I should just give up establishing social connections.

Learn to live completely alone for the rest of my life.

What is the next step?

Find other transsexuals in my city?

Read books about it?

Read online?

Buy more clothes?

Hm...

Who am I blogging for? (+fear)

I am blogging for my self.

It helps me think and sort things out.

Mental activity.

Thats what I want.

Learn and develop.

I feel fear that someone that know who I am will find out that I now think I am trans gender.

One way of solving that is simply to tell people. Bye to that fear.

It will quickly be replaced by fear of how they will react.

So ask what they think, observe their reaction, then bye bye to that fear.

I am getting a bit fed up with feeling fear.

I dont give a fuck what people think anyway.

I can handle it either way.

Time travel is not possible :(

I'm 41 years old.

Wouldn't it be better if I had begin transitioning earlier?

- Yes!

But

unfortunately

I cannot

travel back in time.

So much easier for young people these days to figure out what is wrong with them.

I didn't have internet when I was young. Did not understand myself.

MY LIFE SO FAR = waste of time + space

(By the way: I disagree with Einstein that space is curved. Space has no attributes. It is nothing. Therefore it cannot have shape)

I want more energy

I wish I had more energy to do things and that I was more active.

How can I increase my energy?

1. Exercise more
2. Be more active mentally (Write, read, play poker, learn new things)
3. Eat healthier (more raw fruit + vegetables)

I need motivation.

If changing my sex can make me happier, then that ought to be motivation enough.

I want to be happy.

I want to have more energy.

I want to be more active mentally and physically.

I want to eat healthier (although I eat reasonable healthy already).

Writing in order to think

I have to use words in order to think.

Either talk or write.

Since I don't have anyone to talk to, writing becomes the right thing to to.

I have been watching a bunch of transsexual videos on YouTube lately.

I remember thinking that I wish I was one of them. That I was transsexual.

I think what I wish for is to transition completely and become as much woman as I possibly can.

That means going threw Sex reassignment surgery (SRS).

I feel like I need to experiment with being a woman by dressing up as a woman at home first, then go out as a woman with make up and everything.

I also feel like I need to educate myself more.

There is so much info online about trans sexuality. I need to read more of that info and try to learn it.

Maybe there are good books about it also that I ought to read.

This whole transitioning thing is gonna take time. Years as I have mentioned earlier.

Since I live alone and have nobody to talk to, it is important that I compensate by writing.

Using words are necessary for me in order to think properly.

After a while I also should seek therapy by a specialist in this things.

Another idea is to try to connect with other trans gender people and maybe be friends with them. It would be awesome if I could find a person like my self and be friends in real life.

This is gonna take time

Yes, to change gender takes time.

Years...

And I'm still not 100% certain whether I'm too old or not.

I'm guessing that I'm not.

Its not to late to change gender at an age around 40 is it?

I haven't heard of any age limit yet.

One thing that could be helpful would be to find a friend or friends that are in the same situation.

Yeah...I kind of miss that.

Talking to my self.

Talking to my self.

Tal...etc.

The best way to start

Im getting conflicting advice online from other transsexuals about how to start exploring whether I'm trans gender or not.

One transsexual say explore by dressing up as a woman with make up etc in order to figure stuff out....the other say the best way is to talk to a gender specialized therapist.

Im kind of feel like dressing up first.

Therapy...hm....I have had that before and it didn't help.

But if I decide to actually do it, then its probably a good idea.

I probably need a recommendation or something from a therapist anyway in order to start on hormones etc.

The problem with seeking help and advice from others is that they probably will give it based on their own experiences.

Everybody is different, so what is right for one, may not be right for another.

Its a good thing that trans genders give advice and try to help others in the same situation....but advice is just advice.... I'm the one that should decide what to do when etc. based on what I think is right for me.

I kind of have to be my own advisor.

I have started exploring transitioning

Ordered women clothes and make up.

Dressing up and see how it feels to be a woman.

Thats my plan.

If I feel better, then next step is to go out dressed as a woman.

Wonder if I will pass as a woman.

I want to figure out if I want to change my sex.

I kind of feel like I want to.

One thing that bothers me is family.

What will they think when they find out?

But I haven't had contact with most of them for several years.

I don't like my parents.

I dont really care what they think.

Why even tell my family? If I hardly have had contact with them the last couple of years and dont care what they think of my plan.....then there is no point in telling.

I don't expect any help from them anyway. This is something I have to do on my own.

I would feel shameful anyway being dressed as a woman in front of them. I imagine that would be very embarrassing at emotionally painful.

If I had loved my parents and I felt like the loved me....that would be one thing....but if I don't even like or respect them?

Hm....I actually feel like just starting on this journey without telling them.

Just change my sex and start a new life.

If they find out, they find out, if not, they don't.

I didn't plan on spending time with them either way.

My main problem is that I'm not happy with myself as I am now.

If transforming myself to a woman can make me happier, it will be worth it.

Im kind of doing it in stealth mode.

I like the word "stealth".

I'm living undercover, he he.

Almost like an alien transforming in secrecy to a human being.

When I'm finished I'm gonna suck your brains out. Need human brain. Me hungry.

How do I start?

Where to start?

How does one start exploring beeing transgender? Buy women clothes, make-up etc and put it on, he he. I guess so.

OMG this feels like a really long journey.

I feel like I dont have the strength to go threw all that it takes (hormones, living like a woman, surgery etc).

+ Im wondering if its to late.

Is it to late to change sex when you're 41 years old?

And I could be on the wrong track. But hopefully I will discover that during the time when I attempt to live like a woman.

What do I have to loose?

Nothing, because I have nothing.

What am I?

That is what I'm wondering about.

Lately I have been thinking that I might be transgender MTF.

That kind of means a woman in a mans body I think.

I have social anxiety.

I have tried so many things to get well without success (therapy, medication, self-help books etc.)

Maybe me real problem is that I have denied my feminine side.

I feel involuntary submissive against men. I feel I have to pretend and act like a man against women (with little success).

Why cant I just be myself? What is myself?

Im a 41 year old man with no friends or no girfriend for the last 20 years.

Incredible isn't it?

Several times people have suspected me of beeing gay.

I don't feel gay, but can understand why people suspect that because Im soft spoken, insecure, awkward etc.

I have done my best to suppress and hide my weaknesses. Again why cant I just be myself? And what is myself?

I have been thinking lately that its worth exploring wether Im a transgender person.

What do I have to lose?

Finally

I have a blog again.

This is the first post here.

Probably nobody will read it.

I need to write in order to be able to think.

OMG do I have issues, hehe.

OK. Can I add a picture?