I HAVE STARTED BABY!

Yeah...at least in front of my webcam LOL...

The first picture in my blog of myself

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I want to start

Yep.

I want to start transitioning to be a woman.

Have done several things lately...ordered a wig among other things.

I have trouble to get started though.
It's like theres always something in the way.

I just want to dress up as good as I can...then go out there as a woman and see how it feels like.
I imagine it will feel good. If so, I will try to live full time as a woman.
If I still feel good about it...the next step is to take hormones and start to transition to be a woman physically.

I feel like I want to start to be a woman now...
    

Creativia

Feeling like I am creative.
If I had been myself my whole life, maybe I would have been å creative woman by now.

The good news:
It not to late!

I can do it;
transition to be not only a woman, but also a creative one.

Music and poetry kind of feel like my favourite kind of creativity, but I’m open to anything :)

Time & Learning

It’s going to take time to learn how to program (in PHP).
It seems like I have to repeat things several times to remember them.
I also have to read things several times to understand them in the first place (he he).

I believe my 42 year old brain  is capable of learning new things.
I have read that older brains can learn new things, but that it takes longer time compared to younger ones.
Being patient and persistent sounds like a good idea.

I will learn this in the end as long as I don’t give up.

My brain might be a bit slow, but it’s creative.
I have so many ideas to websites etc.
If I manage to learn how to program, I can start to create some of those websites into reality.

EXCITING!

I would like to add that my goal to learn PHP programming is kind of dynamic.
If I find out I want to do something else, I can change it.

Let's keep an open mind.

When changing sex some of my interests, hobbies what I want to work with etc. might also change.
  

Back to reality

After a little vacation from reality I kind of want to return to it.

I have started to study PHP in an effort to learn how to program.
I have many ideas to websites I can create.

Why do I feel like escaping from reality?
Because our friend REALITY haven’t been good to me so far in life.
But if transitioning to be a woman makes me happier, then life can be worth living.
If so, there is no reason to escape from it.

I can start living in reality as a woman and be happy :)

Note to self: try not to focus on negative things like my past or possible problems related to transitioning. If something goes wrong I can deal with it when it happens.
  

Fantasy

I’m a fantasy girl
living in a fantasy world

Feels nice
Maybe I’ll be one
sometime

Start to transition or not?

I feel shame for feeling like a woman and fantasizing about being one.

But I can't help the way I feel on the inside. It's not my fault.

Why be ashamed of something that is not my fault?

I'm also afraid that I could be mistaken.
What if I start to transition, other people eventually find out...then I discover that I don't want to live as a woman after all?
That would be embarrassing...

Well...transitioning could be a mistake, but it could also be the right thing.

I feel like I want to give it a good try. Haven't done that yet, only dressed up a little bit inside my home, but not really tried to live as a woman.
Haven't gone outside dressed up as a woman yet.

Why do I care so much what others think of me anyway?
Its my life.
I can do what I want with my own life.
And its not like I have a lot to loose.
Life now feels meaningless.......no friends, no partner, no job etc.

All my problems will obviously not go away just because I transition to a woman.

But maybe I cant solve the biggest problem: how to be myself and feel good about it.

Doubt

I have had so much doubt lately.

It kind of freezes me up.

Dont know what direction to go; towards being a woman, being more manly or kind of just be the way I am and try to live with all my dysfunctionalities.

I think the best thing to do is to just accept the doubt and try to live with it.

My brain need more time before I can go 100 % for starting to transition to be a woman.

I need some time to loose weight, get into better shape, get a better condo + find a better way to support myself anyway. Thats gonna take time.

While improving those things I can continue to think about whats right for me.

Maybe the right thing is to start transitioning to be a woman...or maybe not.

Its such a big step to seriously start transitioning. So many things to do, gonna take so much time etc.

Another thing: what if I transition and it doesnt make me happier?I will probably still have social anxiety even if I transition. But maybe it will be easier to find a partner as transexual than as a man that doesn't feel manly at all.

I am transsexual - MTF

I was in doubt for some time whether I am transsexual or not.

After watching myself on video, It became easier to see my feminine way of being when I only tried to be myself.

I remember fantasizing being a girl for some time when I was a boy, but after a while I stopped it because I perceived it as improper. I have tried to be like a male ever since.

I have been called female names several times during my life, kind of half as joke, but not only as a joke.

When I watch porn online, what gets me excited is when I imagine I'm the woman whether I'm watching "amateur straight" or lesbian porn.

I'm like a woman on the inside. More like a woman than a man at least.

I also have some feminine facial features; small chin, feminine lips.

I feel relieved. My whole life I have felt like I cant be myself.

I think it will be easier to be myself as a woman since thats the way I feel on the inside more than like a man.

I have tried for like 41 years to be a man. It didn't work. So time to give that up and start to live life as myself - a woman.

I have social anxiety that developed into Avoidance Personality Disorder.

I think my gender confusion have contributed to my social anxiety. I have been afraid that people would find out how I was on the inside.

I don't think I'm a gay man. Gay porn doesn't turn me on. I don't want to be gay. I don't get turned on when I go to the gay bar etc.

Writing in order to think

I have to use words in order to think.

Either talk or write.

Since I don't have anyone to talk to, writing becomes the right thing to to.

I have been watching a bunch of transsexual videos on YouTube lately.

I remember thinking that I wish I was one of them. That I was transsexual.

I think what I wish for is to transition completely and become as much woman as I possibly can.

That means going threw Sex reassignment surgery (SRS).

I feel like I need to experiment with being a woman by dressing up as a woman at home first, then go out as a woman with make up and everything.

I also feel like I need to educate myself more.

There is so much info online about trans sexuality. I need to read more of that info and try to learn it.

Maybe there are good books about it also that I ought to read.

This whole transitioning thing is gonna take time. Years as I have mentioned earlier.

Since I live alone and have nobody to talk to, it is important that I compensate by writing.

Using words are necessary for me in order to think properly.

After a while I also should seek therapy by a specialist in this things.

Another idea is to try to connect with other trans gender people and maybe be friends with them. It would be awesome if I could find a person like my self and be friends in real life.

I have started exploring transitioning

Ordered women clothes and make up.

Dressing up and see how it feels to be a woman.

Thats my plan.

If I feel better, then next step is to go out dressed as a woman.

Wonder if I will pass as a woman.

I want to figure out if I want to change my sex.

I kind of feel like I want to.

One thing that bothers me is family.

What will they think when they find out?

But I haven't had contact with most of them for several years.

I don't like my parents.

I dont really care what they think.

Why even tell my family? If I hardly have had contact with them the last couple of years and dont care what they think of my plan.....then there is no point in telling.

I don't expect any help from them anyway. This is something I have to do on my own.

I would feel shameful anyway being dressed as a woman in front of them. I imagine that would be very embarrassing at emotionally painful.

If I had loved my parents and I felt like the loved me....that would be one thing....but if I don't even like or respect them?

Hm....I actually feel like just starting on this journey without telling them.

Just change my sex and start a new life.

If they find out, they find out, if not, they don't.

I didn't plan on spending time with them either way.

My main problem is that I'm not happy with myself as I am now.

If transforming myself to a woman can make me happier, it will be worth it.

Im kind of doing it in stealth mode.

I like the word "stealth".

I'm living undercover, he he.

Almost like an alien transforming in secrecy to a human being.

When I'm finished I'm gonna suck your brains out. Need human brain. Me hungry.

How do I start?

Where to start?

How does one start exploring beeing transgender? Buy women clothes, make-up etc and put it on, he he. I guess so.

OMG this feels like a really long journey.

I feel like I dont have the strength to go threw all that it takes (hormones, living like a woman, surgery etc).

+ Im wondering if its to late.

Is it to late to change sex when you're 41 years old?

And I could be on the wrong track. But hopefully I will discover that during the time when I attempt to live like a woman.

What do I have to loose?

Nothing, because I have nothing.