I HAVE STARTED BABY!

Yeah...at least in front of my webcam LOL...

The first picture in my blog of myself

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I HATE NORWAY

One gender clinic with 5 million citizens - and they have a monopoly in treating transsexuals (why the hell do they have a monopoly?)

Thats NORWAY.

I have read that several transsexuals have either transitioned on their own or committed suicide after being rejected by GID (the only clinic for transsexuals in Norway. It's owned by the government).

I want to start

Yep.

I want to start transitioning to be a woman.

Have done several things lately...ordered a wig among other things.

I have trouble to get started though.
It's like theres always something in the way.

I just want to dress up as good as I can...then go out there as a woman and see how it feels like.
I imagine it will feel good. If so, I will try to live full time as a woman.
If I still feel good about it...the next step is to take hormones and start to transition to be a woman physically.

I feel like I want to start to be a woman now...
    

Creativia

Feeling like I am creative.
If I had been myself my whole life, maybe I would have been å creative woman by now.

The good news:
It not to late!

I can do it;
transition to be not only a woman, but also a creative one.

Music and poetry kind of feel like my favourite kind of creativity, but I’m open to anything :)

Time & Learning

It’s going to take time to learn how to program (in PHP).
It seems like I have to repeat things several times to remember them.
I also have to read things several times to understand them in the first place (he he).

I believe my 42 year old brain  is capable of learning new things.
I have read that older brains can learn new things, but that it takes longer time compared to younger ones.
Being patient and persistent sounds like a good idea.

I will learn this in the end as long as I don’t give up.

My brain might be a bit slow, but it’s creative.
I have so many ideas to websites etc.
If I manage to learn how to program, I can start to create some of those websites into reality.

EXCITING!

I would like to add that my goal to learn PHP programming is kind of dynamic.
If I find out I want to do something else, I can change it.

Let's keep an open mind.

When changing sex some of my interests, hobbies what I want to work with etc. might also change.
  

Back to reality

After a little vacation from reality I kind of want to return to it.

I have started to study PHP in an effort to learn how to program.
I have many ideas to websites I can create.

Why do I feel like escaping from reality?
Because our friend REALITY haven’t been good to me so far in life.
But if transitioning to be a woman makes me happier, then life can be worth living.
If so, there is no reason to escape from it.

I can start living in reality as a woman and be happy :)

Note to self: try not to focus on negative things like my past or possible problems related to transitioning. If something goes wrong I can deal with it when it happens.
  

Fantasy

I’m a fantasy girl
living in a fantasy world

Feels nice
Maybe I’ll be one
sometime

Doubt

I have had so much doubt lately.

It kind of freezes me up.

Dont know what direction to go; towards being a woman, being more manly or kind of just be the way I am and try to live with all my dysfunctionalities.

I think the best thing to do is to just accept the doubt and try to live with it.

My brain need more time before I can go 100 % for starting to transition to be a woman.

I need some time to loose weight, get into better shape, get a better condo + find a better way to support myself anyway. Thats gonna take time.

While improving those things I can continue to think about whats right for me.

Maybe the right thing is to start transitioning to be a woman...or maybe not.

Its such a big step to seriously start transitioning. So many things to do, gonna take so much time etc.

Another thing: what if I transition and it doesnt make me happier?I will probably still have social anxiety even if I transition. But maybe it will be easier to find a partner as transexual than as a man that doesn't feel manly at all.

I am transsexual - MTF

I was in doubt for some time whether I am transsexual or not.

After watching myself on video, It became easier to see my feminine way of being when I only tried to be myself.

I remember fantasizing being a girl for some time when I was a boy, but after a while I stopped it because I perceived it as improper. I have tried to be like a male ever since.

I have been called female names several times during my life, kind of half as joke, but not only as a joke.

When I watch porn online, what gets me excited is when I imagine I'm the woman whether I'm watching "amateur straight" or lesbian porn.

I'm like a woman on the inside. More like a woman than a man at least.

I also have some feminine facial features; small chin, feminine lips.

I feel relieved. My whole life I have felt like I cant be myself.

I think it will be easier to be myself as a woman since thats the way I feel on the inside more than like a man.

I have tried for like 41 years to be a man. It didn't work. So time to give that up and start to live life as myself - a woman.

I have social anxiety that developed into Avoidance Personality Disorder.

I think my gender confusion have contributed to my social anxiety. I have been afraid that people would find out how I was on the inside.

I don't think I'm a gay man. Gay porn doesn't turn me on. I don't want to be gay. I don't get turned on when I go to the gay bar etc.