I HAVE STARTED BABY!

Yeah...at least in front of my webcam LOL...

The first picture in my blog of myself

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I want to start

Yep.

I want to start transitioning to be a woman.

Have done several things lately...ordered a wig among other things.

I have trouble to get started though.
It's like theres always something in the way.

I just want to dress up as good as I can...then go out there as a woman and see how it feels like.
I imagine it will feel good. If so, I will try to live full time as a woman.
If I still feel good about it...the next step is to take hormones and start to transition to be a woman physically.

I feel like I want to start to be a woman now...
    

Doubt

I have had so much doubt lately.

It kind of freezes me up.

Dont know what direction to go; towards being a woman, being more manly or kind of just be the way I am and try to live with all my dysfunctionalities.

I think the best thing to do is to just accept the doubt and try to live with it.

My brain need more time before I can go 100 % for starting to transition to be a woman.

I need some time to loose weight, get into better shape, get a better condo + find a better way to support myself anyway. Thats gonna take time.

While improving those things I can continue to think about whats right for me.

Maybe the right thing is to start transitioning to be a woman...or maybe not.

Its such a big step to seriously start transitioning. So many things to do, gonna take so much time etc.

Another thing: what if I transition and it doesnt make me happier?I will probably still have social anxiety even if I transition. But maybe it will be easier to find a partner as transexual than as a man that doesn't feel manly at all.

I am transsexual - MTF

I was in doubt for some time whether I am transsexual or not.

After watching myself on video, It became easier to see my feminine way of being when I only tried to be myself.

I remember fantasizing being a girl for some time when I was a boy, but after a while I stopped it because I perceived it as improper. I have tried to be like a male ever since.

I have been called female names several times during my life, kind of half as joke, but not only as a joke.

When I watch porn online, what gets me excited is when I imagine I'm the woman whether I'm watching "amateur straight" or lesbian porn.

I'm like a woman on the inside. More like a woman than a man at least.

I also have some feminine facial features; small chin, feminine lips.

I feel relieved. My whole life I have felt like I cant be myself.

I think it will be easier to be myself as a woman since thats the way I feel on the inside more than like a man.

I have tried for like 41 years to be a man. It didn't work. So time to give that up and start to live life as myself - a woman.

I have social anxiety that developed into Avoidance Personality Disorder.

I think my gender confusion have contributed to my social anxiety. I have been afraid that people would find out how I was on the inside.

I don't think I'm a gay man. Gay porn doesn't turn me on. I don't want to be gay. I don't get turned on when I go to the gay bar etc.

Writing in order to think

I have to use words in order to think.

Either talk or write.

Since I don't have anyone to talk to, writing becomes the right thing to to.

I have been watching a bunch of transsexual videos on YouTube lately.

I remember thinking that I wish I was one of them. That I was transsexual.

I think what I wish for is to transition completely and become as much woman as I possibly can.

That means going threw Sex reassignment surgery (SRS).

I feel like I need to experiment with being a woman by dressing up as a woman at home first, then go out as a woman with make up and everything.

I also feel like I need to educate myself more.

There is so much info online about trans sexuality. I need to read more of that info and try to learn it.

Maybe there are good books about it also that I ought to read.

This whole transitioning thing is gonna take time. Years as I have mentioned earlier.

Since I live alone and have nobody to talk to, it is important that I compensate by writing.

Using words are necessary for me in order to think properly.

After a while I also should seek therapy by a specialist in this things.

Another idea is to try to connect with other trans gender people and maybe be friends with them. It would be awesome if I could find a person like my self and be friends in real life.

This is gonna take time

Yes, to change gender takes time.

Years...

And I'm still not 100% certain whether I'm too old or not.

I'm guessing that I'm not.

Its not to late to change gender at an age around 40 is it?

I haven't heard of any age limit yet.

One thing that could be helpful would be to find a friend or friends that are in the same situation.

Yeah...I kind of miss that.

Talking to my self.

Talking to my self.

Tal...etc.

The best way to start

Im getting conflicting advice online from other transsexuals about how to start exploring whether I'm trans gender or not.

One transsexual say explore by dressing up as a woman with make up etc in order to figure stuff out....the other say the best way is to talk to a gender specialized therapist.

Im kind of feel like dressing up first.

Therapy...hm....I have had that before and it didn't help.

But if I decide to actually do it, then its probably a good idea.

I probably need a recommendation or something from a therapist anyway in order to start on hormones etc.

The problem with seeking help and advice from others is that they probably will give it based on their own experiences.

Everybody is different, so what is right for one, may not be right for another.

Its a good thing that trans genders give advice and try to help others in the same situation....but advice is just advice.... I'm the one that should decide what to do when etc. based on what I think is right for me.

I kind of have to be my own advisor.

I have started exploring transitioning

Ordered women clothes and make up.

Dressing up and see how it feels to be a woman.

Thats my plan.

If I feel better, then next step is to go out dressed as a woman.

Wonder if I will pass as a woman.

I want to figure out if I want to change my sex.

I kind of feel like I want to.

One thing that bothers me is family.

What will they think when they find out?

But I haven't had contact with most of them for several years.

I don't like my parents.

I dont really care what they think.

Why even tell my family? If I hardly have had contact with them the last couple of years and dont care what they think of my plan.....then there is no point in telling.

I don't expect any help from them anyway. This is something I have to do on my own.

I would feel shameful anyway being dressed as a woman in front of them. I imagine that would be very embarrassing at emotionally painful.

If I had loved my parents and I felt like the loved me....that would be one thing....but if I don't even like or respect them?

Hm....I actually feel like just starting on this journey without telling them.

Just change my sex and start a new life.

If they find out, they find out, if not, they don't.

I didn't plan on spending time with them either way.

My main problem is that I'm not happy with myself as I am now.

If transforming myself to a woman can make me happier, it will be worth it.

Im kind of doing it in stealth mode.

I like the word "stealth".

I'm living undercover, he he.

Almost like an alien transforming in secrecy to a human being.

When I'm finished I'm gonna suck your brains out. Need human brain. Me hungry.

How do I start?

Where to start?

How does one start exploring beeing transgender? Buy women clothes, make-up etc and put it on, he he. I guess so.

OMG this feels like a really long journey.

I feel like I dont have the strength to go threw all that it takes (hormones, living like a woman, surgery etc).

+ Im wondering if its to late.

Is it to late to change sex when you're 41 years old?

And I could be on the wrong track. But hopefully I will discover that during the time when I attempt to live like a woman.

What do I have to loose?

Nothing, because I have nothing.