Time & Learning

It’s going to take time to learn how to program (in PHP).
It seems like I have to repeat things several times to remember them.
I also have to read things several times to understand them in the first place (he he).

I believe my 42 year old brain  is capable of learning new things.
I have read that older brains can learn new things, but that it takes longer time compared to younger ones.
Being patient and persistent sounds like a good idea.

I will learn this in the end as long as I don’t give up.

My brain might be a bit slow, but it’s creative.
I have so many ideas to websites etc.
If I manage to learn how to program, I can start to create some of those websites into reality.

EXCITING!

I would like to add that my goal to learn PHP programming is kind of dynamic.
If I find out I want to do something else, I can change it.

Let's keep an open mind.

When changing sex some of my interests, hobbies what I want to work with etc. might also change.
  

Back to reality

After a little vacation from reality I kind of want to return to it.

I have started to study PHP in an effort to learn how to program.
I have many ideas to websites I can create.

Why do I feel like escaping from reality?
Because our friend REALITY haven’t been good to me so far in life.
But if transitioning to be a woman makes me happier, then life can be worth living.
If so, there is no reason to escape from it.

I can start living in reality as a woman and be happy :)

Note to self: try not to focus on negative things like my past or possible problems related to transitioning. If something goes wrong I can deal with it when it happens.
  

Start to transition or not?

I feel shame for feeling like a woman and fantasizing about being one.

But I can't help the way I feel on the inside. It's not my fault.

Why be ashamed of something that is not my fault?

I'm also afraid that I could be mistaken.
What if I start to transition, other people eventually find out...then I discover that I don't want to live as a woman after all?
That would be embarrassing...

Well...transitioning could be a mistake, but it could also be the right thing.

I feel like I want to give it a good try. Haven't done that yet, only dressed up a little bit inside my home, but not really tried to live as a woman.
Haven't gone outside dressed up as a woman yet.

Why do I care so much what others think of me anyway?
Its my life.
I can do what I want with my own life.
And its not like I have a lot to loose.
Life now feels meaningless.......no friends, no partner, no job etc.

All my problems will obviously not go away just because I transition to a woman.

But maybe I cant solve the biggest problem: how to be myself and feel good about it.