I HAVE STARTED BABY!

Yeah...at least in front of my webcam LOL...

The first picture in my blog of myself

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Struggling with getting started

I have dressed up home alone as a woman.
Next step is to go outside as a woman.
That's what I struggle with now.
I have ordered a new wig + more clothes that I can wear outside.

I want to be as passable as possible before going out as a woman.

Probably a good idea to loose some weight as well.

So apparently it's going to take quite some time before I can get started to live as a woman.

Transitioning takes time.
Probably 2-3 years or so?
Patience is a virtue...

I HATE NORWAY

One gender clinic with 5 million citizens - and they have a monopoly in treating transsexuals (why the hell do they have a monopoly?)

Thats NORWAY.

I have read that several transsexuals have either transitioned on their own or committed suicide after being rejected by GID (the only clinic for transsexuals in Norway. It's owned by the government).

I want to start

Yep.

I want to start transitioning to be a woman.

Have done several things lately...ordered a wig among other things.

I have trouble to get started though.
It's like theres always something in the way.

I just want to dress up as good as I can...then go out there as a woman and see how it feels like.
I imagine it will feel good. If so, I will try to live full time as a woman.
If I still feel good about it...the next step is to take hormones and start to transition to be a woman physically.

I feel like I want to start to be a woman now...
    

Creativia

Feeling like I am creative.
If I had been myself my whole life, maybe I would have been å creative woman by now.

The good news:
It not to late!

I can do it;
transition to be not only a woman, but also a creative one.

Music and poetry kind of feel like my favourite kind of creativity, but I’m open to anything :)

Time & Learning

It’s going to take time to learn how to program (in PHP).
It seems like I have to repeat things several times to remember them.
I also have to read things several times to understand them in the first place (he he).

I believe my 42 year old brain  is capable of learning new things.
I have read that older brains can learn new things, but that it takes longer time compared to younger ones.
Being patient and persistent sounds like a good idea.

I will learn this in the end as long as I don’t give up.

My brain might be a bit slow, but it’s creative.
I have so many ideas to websites etc.
If I manage to learn how to program, I can start to create some of those websites into reality.

EXCITING!

I would like to add that my goal to learn PHP programming is kind of dynamic.
If I find out I want to do something else, I can change it.

Let's keep an open mind.

When changing sex some of my interests, hobbies what I want to work with etc. might also change.
  

Back to reality

After a little vacation from reality I kind of want to return to it.

I have started to study PHP in an effort to learn how to program.
I have many ideas to websites I can create.

Why do I feel like escaping from reality?
Because our friend REALITY haven’t been good to me so far in life.
But if transitioning to be a woman makes me happier, then life can be worth living.
If so, there is no reason to escape from it.

I can start living in reality as a woman and be happy :)

Note to self: try not to focus on negative things like my past or possible problems related to transitioning. If something goes wrong I can deal with it when it happens.
  

Drinking

I 

definately 

should be

drinking

once in a while

---

Escape

 Feel
 like
  I 
want
 to 
escape
 from
reality
 ...

Lazy

Feeling lazy today
too lazy to write a long post
This can be a poem
almost

Fantasy

I’m a fantasy girl
living in a fantasy world

Feels nice
Maybe I’ll be one
sometime

Start to transition or not?

I feel shame for feeling like a woman and fantasizing about being one.

But I can't help the way I feel on the inside. It's not my fault.

Why be ashamed of something that is not my fault?

I'm also afraid that I could be mistaken.
What if I start to transition, other people eventually find out...then I discover that I don't want to live as a woman after all?
That would be embarrassing...

Well...transitioning could be a mistake, but it could also be the right thing.

I feel like I want to give it a good try. Haven't done that yet, only dressed up a little bit inside my home, but not really tried to live as a woman.
Haven't gone outside dressed up as a woman yet.

Why do I care so much what others think of me anyway?
Its my life.
I can do what I want with my own life.
And its not like I have a lot to loose.
Life now feels meaningless.......no friends, no partner, no job etc.

All my problems will obviously not go away just because I transition to a woman.

But maybe I cant solve the biggest problem: how to be myself and feel good about it.

Taking a brake

It seems now that I want to live as a man. I thought for a while I should change sex and live as a woman.

The reason was that I felt more like a woman on the inside.
Hmm...

I'm still not sure whats the right thing for me to do.

Its frustrating not to know. Its driving me crazy and making me depressed.

I think maybe the best thing is to take a break from my personal problems (+ this blog) and rather write about other things that interests me in other places.

Long time no see

I need to start writing more in order to be able to think.

Been so passive lately.

Cant think and almost nobody to talk to.

What do I want? What am I?

What do I want?

I want to be normal and happy. That means to be a heterosexual male, supporting myself, having a girlfriend + friends and not too much anxiety.

What am I?

Well, that is the big question.

I have social anxiety. That I know. Not sure about the rest.

(I don't know whether I'm transsexual, gay or what...)

It hard to live without knowing what I am.

Thats probably why I have been so passive lately.

But no matter what I am, its in my interest to be active in certain areas like exercising, eating healthy, losing weight, learning new skills, making money etc.

So note to self; please be more active...snap out of the passivity!

Socializing - eye contact

I survived the meeting in real life with the other Social Anxiety people.

5 people with SA met. One didn't show up and maybe one showed up but didn't have the courage to approach us (not sure about this).

Anyway it was sort of interesting to meet the others.

I felt like I was the one with poorest social skills though.

Talking and looking at people is difficult for me.

I have problems with eye contact.

I would like to improve on that.

How do you improve the ability to comfortably look others in the eye while talking to them?

Hm...

Practice by talking to myself in the mirror?

Maybe try to identify my thoughts and beliefs that cause me to feel uncomfortable when looking at people?

Or maybe just try to look others in the eye more.

Anyway trying to not think to negatively now.

Aw....socializing is so hard for me...no wonder I'm a lone wolf/wolverine.

Stuff is happening

Just bought my first laptop.

Plan to take it with me to the library, cafés etc and sit there writing, learning stuff etc.

I want to be more active!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah...note to brain: WAKE UP! (please)

Tomorrow Im gonna meet some people with social anxiety at a café.

Have only met them online, so tomorrow will be first time in real life.

I feel like a train wreck having lived like a lone wolf for a long time :(

I´ll try not to bite anybody, faint, throw up, run away etc. he he

Doubt

I have had so much doubt lately.

It kind of freezes me up.

Dont know what direction to go; towards being a woman, being more manly or kind of just be the way I am and try to live with all my dysfunctionalities.

I think the best thing to do is to just accept the doubt and try to live with it.

My brain need more time before I can go 100 % for starting to transition to be a woman.

I need some time to loose weight, get into better shape, get a better condo + find a better way to support myself anyway. Thats gonna take time.

While improving those things I can continue to think about whats right for me.

Maybe the right thing is to start transitioning to be a woman...or maybe not.

Its such a big step to seriously start transitioning. So many things to do, gonna take so much time etc.

Another thing: what if I transition and it doesnt make me happier?I will probably still have social anxiety even if I transition. But maybe it will be easier to find a partner as transexual than as a man that doesn't feel manly at all.