Start to transition or not?

I feel shame for feeling like a woman and fantasizing about being one.

But I can't help the way I feel on the inside. It's not my fault.

Why be ashamed of something that is not my fault?

I'm also afraid that I could be mistaken.
What if I start to transition, other people eventually find out...then I discover that I don't want to live as a woman after all?
That would be embarrassing...

Well...transitioning could be a mistake, but it could also be the right thing.

I feel like I want to give it a good try. Haven't done that yet, only dressed up a little bit inside my home, but not really tried to live as a woman.
Haven't gone outside dressed up as a woman yet.

Why do I care so much what others think of me anyway?
Its my life.
I can do what I want with my own life.
And its not like I have a lot to loose.
Life now feels meaningless.......no friends, no partner, no job etc.

All my problems will obviously not go away just because I transition to a woman.

But maybe I cant solve the biggest problem: how to be myself and feel good about it.

Taking a brake

It seems now that I want to live as a man. I thought for a while I should change sex and live as a woman.

The reason was that I felt more like a woman on the inside.
Hmm...

I'm still not sure whats the right thing for me to do.

Its frustrating not to know. Its driving me crazy and making me depressed.

I think maybe the best thing is to take a break from my personal problems (+ this blog) and rather write about other things that interests me in other places.

Long time no see

I need to start writing more in order to be able to think.

Been so passive lately.

Cant think and almost nobody to talk to.

What do I want? What am I?

What do I want?

I want to be normal and happy. That means to be a heterosexual male, supporting myself, having a girlfriend + friends and not too much anxiety.

What am I?

Well, that is the big question.

I have social anxiety. That I know. Not sure about the rest.

(I don't know whether I'm transsexual, gay or what...)

It hard to live without knowing what I am.

Thats probably why I have been so passive lately.

But no matter what I am, its in my interest to be active in certain areas like exercising, eating healthy, losing weight, learning new skills, making money etc.

So note to self; please be more active...snap out of the passivity!

Socializing - eye contact

I survived the meeting in real life with the other Social Anxiety people.

5 people with SA met. One didn't show up and maybe one showed up but didn't have the courage to approach us (not sure about this).

Anyway it was sort of interesting to meet the others.

I felt like I was the one with poorest social skills though.

Talking and looking at people is difficult for me.

I have problems with eye contact.

I would like to improve on that.

How do you improve the ability to comfortably look others in the eye while talking to them?

Hm...

Practice by talking to myself in the mirror?

Maybe try to identify my thoughts and beliefs that cause me to feel uncomfortable when looking at people?

Or maybe just try to look others in the eye more.

Anyway trying to not think to negatively now.

Aw....socializing is so hard for me...no wonder I'm a lone wolf/wolverine.

Stuff is happening

Just bought my first laptop.

Plan to take it with me to the library, cafés etc and sit there writing, learning stuff etc.

I want to be more active!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah...note to brain: WAKE UP! (please)

Tomorrow Im gonna meet some people with social anxiety at a café.

Have only met them online, so tomorrow will be first time in real life.

I feel like a train wreck having lived like a lone wolf for a long time :(

I´ll try not to bite anybody, faint, throw up, run away etc. he he

Doubt

I have had so much doubt lately.

It kind of freezes me up.

Dont know what direction to go; towards being a woman, being more manly or kind of just be the way I am and try to live with all my dysfunctionalities.

I think the best thing to do is to just accept the doubt and try to live with it.

My brain need more time before I can go 100 % for starting to transition to be a woman.

I need some time to loose weight, get into better shape, get a better condo + find a better way to support myself anyway. Thats gonna take time.

While improving those things I can continue to think about whats right for me.

Maybe the right thing is to start transitioning to be a woman...or maybe not.

Its such a big step to seriously start transitioning. So many things to do, gonna take so much time etc.

Another thing: what if I transition and it doesnt make me happier?I will probably still have social anxiety even if I transition. But maybe it will be easier to find a partner as transexual than as a man that doesn't feel manly at all.