I am transsexual - MTF

I was in doubt for some time whether I am transsexual or not.

After watching myself on video, It became easier to see my feminine way of being when I only tried to be myself.

I remember fantasizing being a girl for some time when I was a boy, but after a while I stopped it because I perceived it as improper. I have tried to be like a male ever since.

I have been called female names several times during my life, kind of half as joke, but not only as a joke.

When I watch porn online, what gets me excited is when I imagine I'm the woman whether I'm watching "amateur straight" or lesbian porn.

I'm like a woman on the inside. More like a woman than a man at least.

I also have some feminine facial features; small chin, feminine lips.

I feel relieved. My whole life I have felt like I cant be myself.

I think it will be easier to be myself as a woman since thats the way I feel on the inside more than like a man.

I have tried for like 41 years to be a man. It didn't work. So time to give that up and start to live life as myself - a woman.

I have social anxiety that developed into Avoidance Personality Disorder.

I think my gender confusion have contributed to my social anxiety. I have been afraid that people would find out how I was on the inside.

I don't think I'm a gay man. Gay porn doesn't turn me on. I don't want to be gay. I don't get turned on when I go to the gay bar etc.

Effort more important than ability and intelligence?

I read an interesting article about effort vs ability and intelligence.

It said that effort was the most important criteria for success in school and life.

Its mostly about school work, but I started to think that the same could be true when it comes to solving ones psychological problems.

I have social anxiety.

The most correct description is probably Avoidance Personality Disorder.

So how do I solve my problems or how do I improve my life with these problems?

If effort is most important then maybe I should stop worrying about whether I'm smart, weak etc.

What I ought to do is focus on effort only. Try more or harder to do things that can improve my life and solve my problems.

Link to the article: The secret to raising smart kids (and to succeed in life)

How to find my self

One idea I got is to buy a video camera, film my self, talk to the camera, then watch the video.

Maybe watching myself on video trying to be my self makes it easier to figure out what I am.

Dont know what to do - Emigrate to Thailand?

I dont know what I am or what to do.

I don't know if Im straight, gay or trans gender.

I don't know how to solve my problems with Avoidance Personality Disorder.

I don't know how to find friends or a partner.

I don't know how to be happy living alone.

I don't know how to improve or find out what to do. Since I have nobody to talk to, how am I supposed to develop or find out what to do? It doest seem possible.

My best guess: emigrate to Thailand. There its easy to find a girl. It just doesnt work for me to continue living like I do. Life feels meaningless. I am lonely and depressed and cant find a solution to my problems, except suicide.

I have tried so many things, different therapists, pills, group therapy, reading self help books, writing a journal, blogging, creating web sites, discussing in forums etc.

Yeah, emigrating to Thailand seems to be the best thing to do. Its better than committing suicide. I don't see any other options right now, but I'm depressed, therefore difficult to think properly.

Avoidance Personality Disorder

Avoidance Personality Disorder.

Thats what I have it seems.

Depressed

I am depressed.

Maybe its a message from my brain that I need a brake to think things threw.

I am in doubt.

What if I´m not a transsexual after all?

I cant make friends or establish relationships with other humans.

I have social anxiety. Thats for sure.

But is that all?

Maybe I should just give up establishing social connections.

Learn to live completely alone for the rest of my life.

What is the next step?

Find other transsexuals in my city?

Read books about it?

Read online?

Buy more clothes?

Hm...

Who am I blogging for? (+fear)

I am blogging for my self.

It helps me think and sort things out.

Mental activity.

Thats what I want.

Learn and develop.

I feel fear that someone that know who I am will find out that I now think I am trans gender.

One way of solving that is simply to tell people. Bye to that fear.

It will quickly be replaced by fear of how they will react.

So ask what they think, observe their reaction, then bye bye to that fear.

I am getting a bit fed up with feeling fear.

I dont give a fuck what people think anyway.

I can handle it either way.