What do I want? What am I?

What do I want?

I want to be normal and happy. That means to be a heterosexual male, supporting myself, having a girlfriend + friends and not too much anxiety.

What am I?

Well, that is the big question.

I have social anxiety. That I know. Not sure about the rest.

(I don't know whether I'm transsexual, gay or what...)

It hard to live without knowing what I am.

Thats probably why I have been so passive lately.

But no matter what I am, its in my interest to be active in certain areas like exercising, eating healthy, losing weight, learning new skills, making money etc.

So note to self; please be more active...snap out of the passivity!

Socializing - eye contact

I survived the meeting in real life with the other Social Anxiety people.

5 people with SA met. One didn't show up and maybe one showed up but didn't have the courage to approach us (not sure about this).

Anyway it was sort of interesting to meet the others.

I felt like I was the one with poorest social skills though.

Talking and looking at people is difficult for me.

I have problems with eye contact.

I would like to improve on that.

How do you improve the ability to comfortably look others in the eye while talking to them?

Hm...

Practice by talking to myself in the mirror?

Maybe try to identify my thoughts and beliefs that cause me to feel uncomfortable when looking at people?

Or maybe just try to look others in the eye more.

Anyway trying to not think to negatively now.

Aw....socializing is so hard for me...no wonder I'm a lone wolf/wolverine.

Stuff is happening

Just bought my first laptop.

Plan to take it with me to the library, cafés etc and sit there writing, learning stuff etc.

I want to be more active!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah...note to brain: WAKE UP! (please)

Tomorrow Im gonna meet some people with social anxiety at a café.

Have only met them online, so tomorrow will be first time in real life.

I feel like a train wreck having lived like a lone wolf for a long time :(

I´ll try not to bite anybody, faint, throw up, run away etc. he he

Doubt

I have had so much doubt lately.

It kind of freezes me up.

Dont know what direction to go; towards being a woman, being more manly or kind of just be the way I am and try to live with all my dysfunctionalities.

I think the best thing to do is to just accept the doubt and try to live with it.

My brain need more time before I can go 100 % for starting to transition to be a woman.

I need some time to loose weight, get into better shape, get a better condo + find a better way to support myself anyway. Thats gonna take time.

While improving those things I can continue to think about whats right for me.

Maybe the right thing is to start transitioning to be a woman...or maybe not.

Its such a big step to seriously start transitioning. So many things to do, gonna take so much time etc.

Another thing: what if I transition and it doesnt make me happier?I will probably still have social anxiety even if I transition. But maybe it will be easier to find a partner as transexual than as a man that doesn't feel manly at all.